Valentine’s Day is not a “Sex Debt” Holiday!
Let’s clarify…a “sex debt” is where a person performs an action with the intention of receiving sex as a “payment”.
Valentine’s Day has gotten this ridiculous hype that it is all romance, lovey-dovey, cuddly, sensual, and sexy…. but do you know what isn’t sexy? Obligation to have sex with your partner because they bought you flowers, made dinner reservations, or bought you chocolates and a teddy bear.
For far too long, we have had this unhealthy and uneven dynamic that if a person (usually the man) buys something for you or does something nice for you that you now “owe” him sex. Want a reality TV example? Jersey Shore, Season 2, Episode 8. Angelina is pressured by her roommates to hook up with a guy that bought her a Fossil watch. The roommates go on to discuss that because she accepted the gift, she is now obligated to sleep with him, and they bully her when she rejects the idea. Now, obviously Jersey Shore was a 2010 era show, but unfortunately, not much has changed with this mentality.
So, when did our bodies become so transactional?
Welp, women’s bodies specifically have been transactional for centuries. Often rooted in practices where sexual access and reproductive capacity were traded or controlled. This mentality still exists unfortunately and at the bare minimum, transactional for actions.
Intimacy and sex shouldNEVER be transactional (unless that is your kink…with consent!). No one ever owes anyone access to their body regardless of relationship status or holiday. Consent shouldn’t get weaker with holidays…it should get LOUDER!
If the vibe is there, great!
If the vibe isn’t there, it’s also great!
Desire is allowed to be seasonal, cyclical, messy, sleepy, tender, and wildly inconsistent. Because that is real life.
Consent is always sexy…asking, checking in, allowing space, responding with care when partner isn’t interested in sex right at that moment…all of these are EXTREMELY hot. A massive turn on. Nothing kills desire faster than feeling like sex is a “debt to pay”.
Sex is supposed to be safe…. physically, mentally, and emotionally.
IF YOUR BODY IS SAYING NO, SEX MAY REGISTER AS TRAUMA.
I see a lot of “well I gave in and had sex to keep them happy even though I didn’t want to.” Just because we are verbally saying yes, if our body isn’t on board, it could register that sexual interaction as trauma which will begin to impact your sexual template (how you internally interpret intimacy, pleasure, desire, and safety).
So, how do we change this?
This Valentine’s Day, let’s try something new: Before you make a decision on intimacy, ask yourself one of the following:
What kind of connection do I want from this person right now?
What feels nourishing to my body and mind right now?
What happens if I honor my body instead?
The next question I get asked is, “What do I do when they get disappointed or angry?”
Well, first off…. disappointment and anger are emotions and our emotions are valid. HOWEVER, emotions should never be directives and does not entitle someone access to your body.
If your partner responds to your “no” with sulking, anger, the silent treatment, etc. First and foremost, always make sure you are physically safe! Then, you are allowed to respond with boundaries, honesty, and self-respect.
Shameless Reminder - pressure for sex is not romance and is not love!
Here are some ways to respond in the moment, but most are not going to take the anxiety away from the confrontation. It’s about learning to sit in the uncomfortable while we build assertiveness and empowerment in having a say in our bodies.
Direct:
“I care about you, and I am not in the headspace for sex tonight. I’m not doing anything wrong by honoring that.”
Validate without giving in:
“I hear that you are disappointed. I am still not going to have sex, and I need that to be respected.”
If you are feeling pressured or entitlement is showing up:
“When sex feels like an expected instead of chosen, it makes me feel unsafe and less connected. That is not the kind of intimacy I want with you.”
If anger enters the room:
“Your emotions are yours to manage. I am open to talking, but I won’t be pressured or punished for saying no.”
You do not have to recite any of this perfectly and you definitely don’t have to over-explain. You do not have to soften the truth to create comfort for others.
A partner who is safe for intimacy/sex will:
-Regulate their own emotions and will not pressure you
-Understand that consent does not expire on holidays or anniversaries
-Will continue to work on your relationship despite sex not always working on their timetable
And if these conversations feel scary, repetitive, or unsafe, THAT MATTERS! The myths we are: “This is just how marriage is”, “This is how men are”, “This is what 20 years together looks like now.”
These patterns of pressure, shame, ang guilt around sex stem from internalized societal, religious, or familial stigmas.
What if I am single?
Valentine’s Day is for you too! This holiday isn’t only for couples…It belongs to anyone that practices self-love, self-trust, self-respect, boundary keeping, and pleasure on your own terms. Sometimes that looks like rest, or cancelling plans, or eating a pint of ice cream by yourself while watching a 90’s rom-com. It can also look like sex…. with your partner or a solo act if you desire!
All are valid and absolutely no apologies are necessary.
Why does this feel wrong?
It feels wrong because we have been conditioned to believe that our body is transactional and we owe others based on what they provide for us.
This is not romantic; this is not love.
We are aiming for a revolution.
Love is never proven through access; it is proven through acceptance. Acceptance of when you say no to sex. Acceptance of intimacy being wildly inconsistent. Acceptance of rough days, tired days, and emotional days. Acceptance that you are human, you have a right to choose who has access to your body; your time, emotions, and intimacy are EARNED through safety and respect.
Remember: you are allowed to opt out of sex on Valentine’s Day and any other damn day of the year.
Because the most unladylike thing you can do?
Tell the truth about what you want.
And the most unashamed?
Refuse to offer your body as payment for love.
